Chuckles

[yelkenite]

Thought this one worthy of your attention!  hahaha  Bill




Lipstick in the schools 
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.



There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

[kevincat99]

Not very Christmasy - but maybe useful for the ladies in the credit crisis

[kevincat99]

Sorry pressed the send too early - but here it is

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I''ll inherit £200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

p.s. it 7 degrees here probably colder than the UK 

[yelkenite]

At only 7 degrees I think you''re right.    Merry Christmas to everybody anyway.  Bill

[kevincat99]

A Jelly Baby goes into a bar

He shouts across to the barman " hey can I have some service here please, as quick as you like"

Barman retorts " hey Jelly baby you will have to wait like everyone else - so shut up"

"OK OK " says the Jelly Baby " no need to bite my head off"


It may not be funny but at least its clean 

[Blue Lizard]

5 men arrive at the irish border in an Audie Quatro,The border Guard says "sorry you can''''t come in...there are 5 of you in a Quatro..there should only be 4!!..one of the men said "thats ridiculous,i demand to speak to someone in charge!!" border guard said "thats fine,but you will have to wait ...hes over there talking to the 2 men in a Fiat Uno
                                             

[Vieux con]

Wagner`s music is better than it sounds - Bill Nye

Belated season`s greetings to all.

Moses spent 40 years wandering the desert; many assume that being a man, he was just too stubborn to stop and ask for directions, latter day people think he had mislaid his GPS receiver.

A propos, we`ve just returned from our Christmas trip to visit the family in Belgium. We had borrowed a friend`s people-carrier and removed most of the seats as we had tons of stuff to bring back. We vary the route each time, this time heading up through Switzerland into Germany. The GPS was set to dynamic mode, so it would recalculate the route every time we ignored the suggested one. Crossing back into France, the GPS retaliated big-time, well and truly stitching us up in Strasbourg, losing us about 45 minutes in the centre of town. Ploughing on up through Luxembourg, we made a pit-stop just short of Brussels, then set off on the final leg. Pulling back onto the motorway, the engine died, no way would it start again, we`re stuffed. Many `phone calls and a couple of hours later the car is on the back of a transporter, and we`re being dropped off at an hotel in the middle of nowhere. It is now 23:00, we have been travelling for just over 12 hours. Having checked in, we learn that the hotel bar closed an hour ago, but `the lights are on, maybe my colleague is still there`. OH heads off to secure a bottle of wine, then calls out to me to confirm the room number. As I pass reception, a somewhat hopeful voice from my jacket pocket says `please take the third exit from the roundabout`...

[Blue Lizard]

I trust you stamped on it!!...fancy the bar being shut!!

[AllanChris]

Hi all, hope you all had a good festive season and all that.   A couple for you.

Being a muso, I have just heard that Dire Straights are teaming up with Chris Rea,  and are now calling themselves

Dire Rea.


A traffic cop pulled a blonde girl over and said "Do you know you were doing nearly 90 m.p.h. before I pulled you over"?  She replied  "Why that''s impossible officer, I only left home 20 minutes ago"!

ps If any blondes offended by this, apologies, no offence meant. 

[Lorretta]

A man and a woman who had never met before and who were both married to other people found themselves sharing the slame sleeping berth on a trans continental train.
Although initially embarrassed they were both very tired and quickly fell asleep, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower bunk.
At 1.00am the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying "Mam, I am sorry to bother you but would you mind reaching into the closet to get me another blanket. I am awfully cold"
The woman replied " I have a better idea, just for tonight lets pretend we are married"
"Wow!" the man exclaimed that''s a great idea"
"Good" she replied "now get your own blanket you lazy sod!"
After a moment of silence .................he farted.

[sally]

  - Just loved that one!! YOMANK!!

[Vieux con]

I stumbled across `The Weakest Link` last week, and saw/heard the following:

Anne Robinson: According to the old joke, what does one call a man with a car on his head?

Contestant: Pass

Anne: Jack...

In a similar vein, what does one call

a) A man with a seagull on his head?

b) An oriental woman with a food-mixer on her head?

c) A man with a rabbit up his bum?














a) Cliff

b) Brenda

c) Warren

[AllanChris]

Why are drum machines better than drummers?

















Drum machines are better looking!

Drum machines don''t need to be paid!

You only need to punch info into a drum machine once!

Drum machines don''t argue!

Drum machines smell better!

If you have a drum machine stay at your place it won''t come on to your wife/girlfriend!

If you muck up a guitar/keyboard solo a drum machine won''t throw a stick at you!


I thangyou!    (please feel free to add to the above)!



Anyway, Paul our guitarist and myself were walking through a park one day before an afternoon gig when he said

"Allan, look at that dog over there with one eye" I replied "Which eye do you want me to cover?"

[Vieux con]

I thangyou!    (please feel free to add to the above)!

Ok then. May have already been asked, but....

What do you call a girl who hangs out with a bunch of musicians?

A groupie.

What do you call a bloke who hangs out with a bunch of musicians?

A drummer.

 

[AllanChris]

H''''mm, good vintage those!


Two cowboys ambushed by Apache Indians are hiding behind some rocks.  The war drums start to pound out.   One cowboy calls to the other,

 "I don''''t like the sound of those drums"












The nearest Indian calls out

















"He''''s not our usual drummer."