Chuckles

[Chucky]

This Forum has a lot of members who make us smile with their funny and witty comments and observations, so I thought it was about time we had a specific "Chuckle Section".
Use your common sense -nothing crude, offensive, controversial or against the Forum guidelines.

 I thought we might use Jon and Julie''s impending nuptials as a starting point.

"Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can''''t blame on the government."

"I love being married. It''s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

"Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you''re in bed with a relative."

Joan


 

Linkback: https://www.enjoykalkan.com/forum/index.php?topic=2545.0

[misty]

Man walking through a graveyard comes across a man lying across a grave sobbing and crying... why did you have to die.... why why.....

The man tries to comfort the upset man, was it some one close ?? he asked...the sobbing man manages to compose himself.....my wife''s first husband !!!!

[Blue Lizard]

i have been unlucky in love...my first two wives died from eating poisonous mushrooms..my third died from a broken neck....she wouldn''t eat the mushrooms!!

[misty]

I call my mother in law Exocet........you know she''s coming and there is sweet FA you can do about !!!

I know when she is coming up the front path.....the mice are flinging themselves in the traps  !!! 

Our vicious Doberman is a quivering heap in the corner !!!

[Chucky]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, ''I''m fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn''t have any worries about being eaten.''

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, ''Your wish is granted'' , and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn''t realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the cod again and he thought that perhaps he fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.  Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn''t see his old pal.'' Where''s Christian?'' he asked.'' He''s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark'' , came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian''s abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, ''It''s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'' Christian replied, ''No way man, you''ll eat me. you''re now a shark, the enemy and I''ll not be tricked into being your dinner.''

Justin cried back '' No, I''m not. That was the old me. I''ve changed.''

Wait for it

Wait for it


 

Wait for it


 


''I''ve found Cod. I''m a prawn again Christian'' .

[Chucky]

13 Witch One Liners for Hallo''ween

One of the witch''s coven gave birth to twins.  The problem arose when the other witches could not tell which witch was witch. 
 
Member Edna was a dog trainer by day, then by night she went from wags to witches. 
 
When the coven travelled to an out-of-town gathering, Martha could not make it, she was a poor traveller and phoned in broom sick.

Celia tried to fly to the coven meeting, but her broomstick broke, no worries, she witch-hiked with Sheila.

The other 12 witches asked Gladys why she put her broomstick in the washing machine.  Gladys replied that she wanted a clean sweep.

Ivana kept on climbing up walls so now the other members of the coven call her ''Ivy''.

One day Astrid dropped off at the astrologer''s, she wanted to know her horror-scope.

Leslie could not distinguish between Tiny Tina and a stag the coven were chasing.   Betty said, ''It''s easy, one is a haunted stag, the other is a stunted hag''.

Celia asked Edna why she carried a pencil sharpener.  ''It''s to keep my has pointed came the reply''.

When Gladys went to the zoo she bought two tickets.  Leslie asked ''Why?''.  ''One to get, and one to get out replied Gladys''.

Astrid asked Ivy where she bought her garden furniture.  ''At the Ideal Gnome'' exhibition'' came the reply.

When ever the coven have a brew up, they always drink their tea from a flying saucer.

What happened when the coven''s darts team lost all their matches?  They had a spell in the second division.

[Chucky]

I saw this on another forum thought I would share it.Thanks to Gerald.

  Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
> Do you suffer from shyness?
> Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
>
> If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
> pharmacist about Efes.
>
> Efes is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
> about yourself and your actions. Efes can help ease you out of your
> shyness and let you tell the world that you''re ready and willing to do just
> about anything.
>
> You will notice the benefits of Efes almost immediately, and with
> a regime of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
> from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be
> a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you
> had. Stop hiding and start living, with Efes.
>
> However, Efes may not be right for everyone. Women who are
> pregnant or nursing should not use Efes.
>
> However, women who wouldn''t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are
> encouraged to try it.
>
> Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
> erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money,
> loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache,
> dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of
> Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
>
> WARNING:
>
> The consumption of Efes may make you think you are whispering when
> you are not.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> The consumption of Efes is a major factor in dancing like a idiot.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
> The consumption of Efes may cause you to tell your friends over
> and over again that you love them.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> The consumption of Efes may cause you to think you can sing.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> The consumption of Efes may create the illusion that you are
> tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
> The consumption of Efes may lead you to think people are laughing
> WITH you.

[yelkenite]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
 She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
won''t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: ''I
have a question to ask you but I don''t want to offend you.'' She
answers, ''My son, you cannot offend me. When you''re as old as I am, and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and  hear just
about everything. I''m sure that there''s nothing you could say or ask that
I would find offensive.''  ''Well, I''ve always had a fantasy to have a nun
kiss me.'' She responds,  ''Well, let''s see what we can do about that: #1,
you have  to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'' The cab driver is
very excited and says, ''Yes, I''m single and Catholic!'' ''OK'' the nun says.
''Pull into the next alley.''  The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss
that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the
cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child,'' says the nun, ''why are you
crying?'' ''Forgive me but I''ve sinned. I lied and I must confess,  I''m
married and I''m Jewish.'' The nun says, ''That''s OK.  My name is Kevin and
I''m going to a Halloween party.''




Now that I do find funny! hahaha  Bill

[yelkenite]

Following the problems in the financial sector in the US and the UK, there is of course uncertainty in Japan

In the last 7 days

The Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and
the Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Only yesterday it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is likely to go for a song,
while today shares in the Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, the Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at the Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that the staff may get a raw deal.


Bill

[Chucky]

Bill,

Update

They sold the Karaoke Bank - it went for a song.

[Lorretta]

What''s the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons? The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW''s

[Chucky]

So Bernie Ecclestone and his wife Slavica are divorcing.
He did not like the way she looked down on him and she wants a man she can look up to!!

[yelkenite]

she''s about 6 foot 2 inches I think.  Not many men she could do that with are there?  hahaha

[yelkenite]

Some howlers from the Daily Mail the other day;
The artist Sir Peter Blake said    "He (Ricky Hatton) was unbeaten until he lost"  DUH!!!!

Then Ricky Hatton said;   "I''ve gone from being a global champion to being a world-wide champion"

On Cycling;   Commentator Phil Liggett said  "This is the steepest part of the course and I''m afraid it gets steeper later on"

on Politics;  Alex Salmond said of whom I''m not sure   "He''ll be haunted by that, not for the rest of his life, but until the day he dies"

On Football;  Graham Taylor said;   "He''s the kind of player you only miss when he''s not playing"

Steven Gerrard said:  "We''re a long way from being where we are"

Steve McClaren said and why am I not surprised   "We''re not as good as we think we are.  We need to go out there and prove that"    hahaha

Former West Indies Bowler Michael Holding  "The most important thing about batting is getting the bat to hit the ball"      Something I suppose would never have crossed our mind otherwise?


Anyway, there''s more but I think that''ll get some more comments going.  Bill

[Chucky]

 "At the finish, it was all over" - Jim Watt

* "These American horses know the fences like the back of their hands" - Harvey Smith

*"Richard Burton had a tremendous passion for the English language, especially the spoken and written word" - Frank Bough

*"There''s a lot of good older players around, but very few." - David Carr

"Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country." - Ian Rush

"Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding." - Mickey Rivers, baseball player

[helen1]

A friend has just sent this to me and it really made me laugh.

A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.   Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.   She said, ''''For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.''''
The wife answered, ''''Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'''' The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: ''''Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I''''m sorry my love, but my wish is to   have a wife 30 years younger than me.''''
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b******s should remember fairies are female.....

P.S I love men really - especially my lovely husband.

[Chucky]

The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem...except that the last line had to be as unromantic ... as the first line was romantic.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That''s why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other,
That is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you,
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl''s empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don''t take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I''m good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

Any others you can think of? (Remember the Moderation rules though!!!)

[Blue Lizard]

your teeth are like stars..they come out at night

[Chucky]

Your hair so long and glossy reminds of the actress so classy
What was her name?


Ah yes it was Lassie.

[Blue Lizard]

FAMOUS LAST WORDS........

"You go careful with that you''ll have someones eye out!!".............King Harold

"Jeeez..where did all those bloody indians come from".......General Custer

"what iceberg?"......Captain of the titanic

 


feel free to add your own!