Tommy Cooper jokes (all clean)

[Kefgirl]

I really miss TCs wacky sense of humour!


TOMMY COOPER JOKES 
 

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual....'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family,  so one of them  must be Chinese.... .  it's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. ... but I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat b&st&rd!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.


Linkback: https://www.enjoykalkan.com/forum/index.php?topic=5238.0

[kalkan4eva]

that cheered me up, Kefgirl 

My favourite TC quip..
" I have to drink for medicinal reasons....I'm sick of being sober!"

[Blue Lizard]

Man walks into a butchers and says "Have you got pigs trotters?"..butcher says "No iv'e done my laces up to tight"

[misty]

What used to crack me up with TC was when he walked on stage...looked to the wings and would say what do mean get off I just come on......knew it was coming but still very funny....

[AllanChris]

I went for a job at the R.S.P.C.A. The Office was so small I said, " You can't swing a cat in here."   I told my mum I was buying a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "You'll have to audition with all the others."  I went to buy a watch today, the man said, "Analogue?" I said, "No just a watch."    I saw a man playing 'Dancing Queen' on a Didgeridoo. I said "That's Aboriginal."

Tommy Cooper! So funny, I used to burst out laughing when he walked on stage with that desperate look on his face, before he even said a word! So original. 
Nice one Kefgirl!

[MartynE]

I was crying with laughter by the end of that.... thanks Kefgirl! I miss him too - forgot just how funny his silly jokes could be. 

[Enişte]

Favourite TC joke:

My wife and I were cleaning out our loft the other day.  Filthy dirty, smelly and covered with cobwebs - but she's good to the kids!

Thank you very much!

[Blue Lizard]

I bought some HP sauce the other day...it's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years!

[kalkan4eva]

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds. 

[Blue Lizard]

Monkey and a Hyena,best of mates walking through the jungle when the Hyena is attacked by a viscious Lion.The monkey escaped up a tree and watched his friend the Hyena getting mauled and ripped to bits .When the fight was over the Hyena was only just alive and he turned to the monkey and said"Why didn't you come and help me?" The monkey replied "you were laughing that much i thought you were winning"

[AllanChris]

I went to the doctors today, I said, "I'm frightened of lapels."   He said, "You've got cholera." 

[PACHSU]

Saw TC in Bournemouth a few years ago (on the same bill as Bert Weedon and Jet Harris & Tony Meehan) - he walked on stage with a plastic knife through his head - I've got a bad headache! Tremendous stuff - a true legend.