That was the day we took to the high seas – well the bay of Kalkan – on the good ship Dilara, along with another 20 or so people, mainly Turkish, for a leisurely all day trip around the bay. This included a mud bath, lunch, swimming stops, more food, more swimming and a little tea and cake just to ensure we didn’t go hungry… all for 40 Turkish lire. Omur, our constantly smiling, larger than life captain made sure we had a fantastic time – and didn’t starve.

The harbour at Kalkan was busy at 10 am when we arrived to find the Dilara. A large and varied assortment of boats offered daily cruises and moonlight trips for public or private groups. We’d booked the day before and I suspect that is pretty essential, especially in high summer.

Like an overfilled bookcase the boats were squeezed together against the jetty for people to board and it seemed impossible that any boat could leave without walloping into its neighbours. But the rather beautiful little gulet next to our larger cruiser managed to manouvre its way out and within a few seconds there was no gap where it had been and once again the water lay still and calm. I guess doing this every day all through the summer season means the crews have this down to a fine art. Next to us now was the Sea Bella, which was crewed by Johnny Depp in his pirate attire, or so it seemed. Larger than most of the other boats, the Sea Bella visits beautiful Kapatas beach on it’s daily tour. Omur told me that it was often very choppy enroute to Kapatas and therefore most of the boats stuck to the bay.

Kalkan harbour is the focal point of this lovely town and it was great trying to pick out places we knew – generally eateries- as we drew away from the shore. There are apparently around 200 restaurants in Kalkan and many of them have rooftop terraces to eat on, which provide a view and a breeze on hot summer nights. I’ve yet to have a disappointing meal here and have several times come close to perfection…

But that’s another story.

But for now it was bye bye Doy Doy (a favourite!) and hello deep blue Mediterranean.

We were welcomed on board with a glass of apple tea and quickly spread ourselves out on the sun deck. This never became crowed as people moved around – down below there were tables and chairs, along with food and drink, and there was another area for sunbathing at the front of the boat. It was going to be hot, so the canopy was much appreciated too.

Then suddenly rush hour in Kalkan harbour began as all the boats burst into life and started to leave for the open water – and within 5 minutes there we were, out on the deepasforever beautiful blue Mediterranean heading for Mouse and Snake Islands over a slightly choppy sea.

This was to be our first swimming stop and for me my first snorkel of the day. The islands were pretty barren but the rocks tumbled down into the sea and provided the sort of environment where I could imagine some strange exotic sea creatures hanging. However, the fish were keeping well out of my way sneaking between the rocks and diving into dark crevices.

And so back on the boat and across the bay we went, stopping next for a mudbath beauty treatment in a small cove, as you do. This mud apparently takes 10 years off your appearance – unlike some other sources where you only lose 4 years!

Then we tootled off again to another bay, another swim and lunch – which had been cooking on the boat since we’d left Kalkan. It was tasty, Turkish and plentiful, with at least 10 dishes and the smiling Omur keeping a careful watch over us, plying us with drinks. Sadly, I didn’t do the meal justice as my sea legs had buckled from under me as the boat rocked in the increasingly choppy seas – but my other half managed to finish mine off as well as his!

After lunch we moved on to a beautiful calm bay, which we shared with a magnificent yacht that was docked for lunch. Part of the fun of this trip was being nosey and wondering who were these millionaires cruising around the bay with us.

By now everyone was leaping on and off the boat from the highest points and it was a truly wonderful hour or two spent in these crystal clear waters. They looked so shallow, but were really as deep as forever and the fish that had eluded me so well in the morning were floating around in abundance here: beautiful fluorescent fish and shoals of tiny little silver fish that all changed direction at the same second – how do they do that?

And Omur and the crew made sure we ate well. Melon, cherries, plums and other fruits were laid out for us and then tea, cake and biscuits!

We had visitors too. Enterprising locals appeared – some to sell their jewellery and friendship bracelets. Another boat appeared trailing inflatables for whizzy rides around the bay if we wished. It was all great fun.

Plus of course there was our wonderful sun deck to laze around on and, in my case, read the same page of a book at least 5 times and still not remember what it was about…

Finally home, after making some new Turkish and English friends; leaving the fish and the millionaires to their own devices as the sun went down over beautiful Kalkan bay.
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So what better to do to fill the time than be creative with cocktails. Once again they are intended as a treat for the weight-watching drinker.  I’m told that doesn’t mean you can have twice as many of them…


The Kalkan Kick – or Bloody Mary plus…
It’s packing time and you should be really excited, but you’re feeling a little stressed as you also have a million and one other things to do:  Feed the papers, cancel the cat, water the fridge and chuck out the mouldy plants – you know the sort of thing.
So you need to focus on what’s important – and that is getting in the right frame of mind.  

 You need:

• 2/3 cup  tomato juice
• Slug of  vodka*, depending on strength of drink
• 1 teaspoon prepared horseradish 
• 6 shakes Tabasco Sauce
• teaspoon of Worcestershire Sauce
• Juice of 1/2 large lime (or medium lemon)
• Salt and pepper to taste 
• Celery stalk

A few sips of this and you’ll be raring to go.  Not only that but you’ll find yourself trying on those fake leopard skin shorts or  bikini bottoms that you’d shuddered at only an hour before – and chucking them in your suitcase along with a voucher for cut-price paragliding off the Taurus mountains.  Well, maybe not…


The Kalkan Kiss
Maybe you’re wondering what on earth you’re doing going on holiday when the roof needs fixing and the cat keeps being sick down the stairs.  Perhaps you should cancel it and put the money towards a new drainpipe.

Oh no, no, no!  Take immediate action and create a Kalkan Kiss for yourself.  This may be hard to justify on the slimming count – but hey, it could save your holiday!
You need:

• A measure of tequila
• small measure of white creme de cacao
• small measure of reduced fate double cream
• a little chambord
• a few white chocolate flakes
• a few raspberries for decoration

Mix all the liquid ingredients in a cocktail shaker for about 15 seconds, then pour into a cocktail glass, chilled and rimmed with the chocolate flakes.  Decorate with raspberries.  (these could be part of your 5 a day and are very good for you).
Once you’ve enjoyed your first Kalkan Kiss you’ll be ready for romance.  And Kalkan has to be one of the most romantic places in all the world.  Who needs new drainpipes anyway!

Apart from a postcard which usually arrived in the UK about 10 days after you did, that was it. Maybe a phonecall if you needed to check in about something really important.

Otherwise you really got away from it all.

Oh how things have changed.

Now, if you haven’t texted to say you’re off the plane; at baggage reclaim; in the taxi… your nearest and dearest go into meltdown.

“Have you heard from them?”

“No, haven’t you? Do you think they’re ok?”

“Let’s text them and check . . .”

Technology has truly taken over the holiday experience.

Time was you went to the travel agent having perused a glossy brochure and booked your hotel with little more than her word for it that it was “A lovely place – I’ve been there myself”.

Unless your chosen resort had featured in a tabloid “holiday from hell” expose, you were blissfully ignorant until the minute you pulled up outside.

Not any more.

Now you’ll have taken the virtual tour of the hotel, checked the local restaurant menus so you know exactly what you’ll be eating on any given night, hit up Google Earth to check that the gloriously planted garden isn’t actually the central reservation of a four-lane motorway between you and the beach, and measured the 10-minute walk into town only to discover it was uphill and that even Usain Bolt would find it a tall order.

Then there’s all the paraphernalia you have to take with you.

Everyone has a phone and every phone has a charger . . . sod’s law dictates that nobody in your party can actually use the same one, so you bung them all in.

Then there are iPods, iPads, netbooks, laptops . . . all with chargers. And at least four adaptors.

When you used to go to the beach, the only entertainment, apart from watching the Germans play bat-and-ball, was a tattered wordsearch magazine and a paperback.

Now he’s playing Fifa 2011 on his DS and she’s trying not to get sand in her Kindle…

And you can forget the evening chorus of crickets . . . now there’s a cacophony of Blackberry chirrups as the signal kicks in and a whole backlog of emails flood in simultaneously around the bar.

Friends text to say they’re in Mojito, where are you? Mothers at home ring to make sure you’re using sun protection and mothers in resort phone home to make sure their home-alone offspring haven’t burnt the place down.

Of course everyone takes a camera (and its charger…).

And while there used to be that delicious anticipation to see your pics when they came back from Boots – usually with quality control stickers pasted all over them – the digital age means you’ve seen ’em, edited ’em and (more importantly) vetoed the ones in which you look fat/drunk/simple as you go along.

Indeed most of them are on Facebook before the last revellers have left the restaurant.

Who needs postcards when you can simply update your status and make all your friends green with envy?

Rachel is on a sun lounger with a cocktail; James is topping up his tan while waterskiing; Sarah drank this fishbowl cocktail last night and is having a day in bed . . .

And while you used to meet “that nice couple from Solihull” and get (and promptly lose) their address, the 21st century holiday pals have been friended and Linked-in before the third bottle of Angora.

But it’s not all bad.

Songs that remind you of your holiday can be downloaded there and then; friends without water can send a desperate text begging for a shower; impromptu get-togethers can be arranged in minutes . . .

And when you’re safely back at home, there’s always another little reminder of your lovely two weeks in the sun . . . the bills for all that social activity and the month of poverty to pay for it.

Sadly there’s not an app for that . . .

Twister Towel

You’re fun loving and sociable, with a taste for a little friendly competition!  Kalkan is the perfect resort for you – its welcoming and happy atmosphere will be spot on.  Twister towel lovers, you  might enjoy a spin round the bay on a banana boat or pedalo from  Kalamar Bay beach club.  I  also forsee you loving the twists and turns of a trip to the Saklikent Gorge.  If possible, put off any planning applications for a month or two as you may find yourself tied up with red tape. Your lucky colour is yellow and the letter K will be important to you.

The Twister towel is one of a number of great beach towels available (at time of writing) from Paramountzone.com .

Toy Story towel

It’s all about friendship and good times for you!  You love excitement and prefer to be leaping in the infinity pool or diving in the sea rather than lazing around.  Good for you!  Using up all that energy will mean you’ll be ready for a hearty lunch or a slap up meal in the evenings – and where better than one of Kalkan’s many wonderful restaurants.  I see smiles wherever you go in Kalkan.  Your lucky number is 3 and you will meet someone special with a Y in their name.
Toy story towel available online from Asda.com

Pirate towel

It’s up the main sail and out to sea for you.  Your heart is craving hidden treasure and you have no time to waste.  So get down to Kalkan harbour and decide which of the boats will be your vessel for the day and get exploring!  You may want to go a little further afield and explore an ancient sunken Lycian city in the Kekova area.  Dive in and swim in those ancient crystal clear waters – awesome. Your lucky colour is red and you will find the letter S is important to you.

Wandering Hands Towel

You’re in the mood for love and romance.  Kalkan has it in spades, so this could be your lucky holiday!  Why not treat yourself to a turkish bath to get yourself into perfect condition for when Cupid decides to strike!  Your lucky number is 2 and you will meet someone with an O or U in their name.

Hippy towel

You want peace: world peace and individual peace, inner and outer peace – just peace. Kalkan is for you.  Stretch your towel out – somewhere with a beautiful view of that bay, not hard in Kalkan, and just go for it.  Let peace overtake you.  Then, when you’re fully chilled go forth and spread the message of peace and love throughout Kalkan – in the bars and restaurants, bazaar and beach clubs.  You may well notice just how successfully you’ve spread the word. Your lucky colour is white and you will find happiness and maybe a friendship bracelet somewhere starting with the letter D.

Wads of dosh towel

Time to polish up your medalion and get your latest Rolex on. You need to go places and get spending!  I suggest you start at the Thursday market in Kalkan, where you will find a huge selection of jewellery and ‘genuine fake’ designer sunglassses and watches to perfect your image.  I forsee you promenading along the harbourside in the evenings. a truly dazzling sight to behold.  Restaurant choices abound in Kalkan so maybe could choose a different one each night before hitting the dance floor later. The letters M, C and I could be lucky for you, particularly after midnight.

Mademoiselle Serviette Deplage will return soon with some more amazing beach towel forecasts.
She is even offering some free reading for any Kalkan lovers who would like one. Simply log on to the Enjoy Kalkan forum and send a picture (or even a description) to be professionally analysed by Mademoiselle Serviette Deplage.

view from the rooftop bar of Tera Mare’s  Kalamar Meltem Apartments**

There’s clearly something about Kalkan, Turkey that encourages love at first sight.  You can tell just by looking around at people. There they are, lets call them A and B for simplicity.

A and B are sitting having a drink in a bar, chatting to each other, as you do – probably about the weather or the price of stamps; all perfectly normal stuff that takes place all over the world.  But then suddenly, just as A (quite likely a man) is explaining why it is utterly ridiculous that there are no postboxes around and people shouldn’t be expected to walk all the way to the post office to send a card he notices that B (probably a woman) is gazing at a spot about half a mile behind his right ear, with a most peculiar expression on her face,  Concerned, A stops in mid rant to ask B if she is alright, and B – with a gentle sigh and contented smile mutters that everything is absolutely perfect, possibly adding a comment about the blueness of the sea or the general loveliness of, well everything… And that’s happening all the time here.  It’s understandable, even predictable – this beautiful little place is out to capture hearts and souls and has all the charms to succeed in this.

So what is it about Kalkan that  makes it so uniquely perfect?  There is important research into the Kalkan phenomenon with a growing band of people willing to sacrifice their time to investigate the causes of Love at First Sight in Kalkan.  You may even notice some of these undercover operators if you visit Kalkan this year.  Stationed across the village in restaurants, bars, beach clubs, and around the harbour these people may appear to be doing very little apart from drinking in the atmosphere – or drinking up their ice cold Efes.  But don’t be deceived – they are working.  It’s a tough job but someone has to do it…

You may be wondering how you too could sign up for this project.  Researchers are in constant demand – after all, statistics tell us that 89% of all surveys can not be verified scientifically because they are too small*.  So how can you get selected for this role?

Firstly, the Love at First sight in Kalkan project does not just take anyone.  You must demonstrate your training and qualifications for this position.  Observational skills are paramount and I suggest three ways of honing these.

1. The infinity pool lookout.   Practise this one several times a day until you have perfected it (could take years though).  Float at the side of the pool, with elbows on the poolside – apparently gazing at nothing but that view of the bay.  Drink in the view.  Thus positioned you are ready to report on any changes at sea, like the sun glistening on a passing boat or something.  It could be important, or not.  Variations on this approach are useful.  You may find that lilo manoeuvres (in pool or sea) can be similarly effective observational platforms.
2. Bar and restaurant work. Again, this may take years and years of undercover work to get a full picture of what is going on in Kalkan.  I suggest you try out a number of different bars and restaurants,  sitting at different places, observing the Kalkan way of life and making mental notes.  Please don’t write anything down as it may get into the wrong hands.  Who knows what someone else might do with this research.  It is important to keep yourself hydrated and healthy during this arduous training so ensure you always have a full glass of something – maybe an Efes, an ice cold glass of rose or even an apple tea – ready to hand.



3. Mingling with the publicThe important thing is here is don’t let yourself be spotted.  As a researcher you need to blend in seamlessly and appear to be just another happy person in Kalkan land.  So go shopping and spend, spend, spend!   What better way is there to appear that you are not just loitering and observing than by buying beautiful and essential items such as jewellery, leather bound books or beautiful lampshades.  You know it makes sense.

Are you still interested – knowing that this challenging training needs time and commitment if you are to get it right?  Good.  Well get training and I’ll let you know the next steps very soon…

* based on a ten day study of holiday habits conducted under blazing sun with four participants, one of whom couldn’t do the maths…

**Extensive range of accommodation available on Enjoy Kalkan website including some of  the Kalamar Meltem Apartments.

So, this is where we put that right.  We will tackle the shoe problem that often underlies hidden tensions in the preparations and packing department at home.  If you’re wondering what on earth I’m going on about – have I been at the wine already perhaps? – then you must be a man,  travelling alone possibly.  Maybe you’re just a little unaware of the sheer variety of footwear that must be considered when packing for one’s holiday in Kalkan.

Look at the options.

Suppose you are looking forward to a week in Kalkan;  seven glorious days of sunshine doing as much or as little as  takes your fancy.   Fantastic!  In fact we could pause here for a little day dreaming…but, we won’t.   No; we will focus on shoes.

Perhaps you don’t know Kalkan well.   You’re thinking you may need high heels, low heels, kitten heels or no heels, white shoes, black shoes, silver shoes or gold shoes, trainers, walking boots, deck shoes or swimming fins. Well, assuming you are arriving in 21st century style – by plane and car with a teeny weeny baggage allowance, rather than 19th century Grand Tour - with huge entourage of servants, camels, horses, carriages, boats and more – then I fear you will need to ‘rationalise’.

It’s tough, but Dr Who tardis style suitcases simply don’t exist and the need to select ‘a few’ pairs of shoes is all too clear. For the men this may mean just two pairs – sandals, which they may choose to wear with socks of course, and flip flops. For women though, it’s not so simple. You may feel you need high heels to complement your outfit. But, in Kalkan wearing high heels may need to come with a safety warning! The steep hills which give the town its charm, provide daily cardio-vascular exercise and enable roof-top dining with stunning views also make tottering along on stilettos a somewhat hazardous activity . But hey! You’re coming to Turkey where exciting and adventurous activities abound.

Perhaps you’re planning to celebrate the Royal Wedding with a bit of ‘royal highness’. There could be no better to excuse than this to indulge in a pair of Prince Court Glitter shoes from Schuh. Sparkling like an impromptu Kalkan firework display, they will definitely get you noticed round town; and not just because you’ll be standing nearly 6 inches higher than usual! Like Kate and Wills you may need an entourage to support you in your mission to show these off to their best advantage. You may wish to astonish the neighbours as you step out from your place of residence – however palatial that may or may not be. But I suggest you have have a taxi waiting round the corner. Either that or someone with a pair of flip flops to change into! The taxi will mean you could intrigue onlookers as you process downtown, royally waving at them as you pass. The flip flop bearer will offer a slightly less royal package, but it will be a pretty essential one. The hills of Kalkan need respect!

Maybe one of your reasons for going on holiday is to step up to new challenges and enjoy new experiences. Turkey certainly has plenty to choose from. From Kalkan you could choose kayaking, paragliding, scuba diving, white-water rafting or many other fantastic life-enhancing activities. You can book before you leave home or sign up to when you’re wandering around the cobbled streets of the bazaar in magical old Kalkan in the evenings.
Did I hear you say you’ll need to ditch the high heels for these activities?  Not necessarily. High heeled trainers may not have seemed a must-have item in 2010 – but that was so last year.  Now you could sport a pair of Diesel high heels ( in distressed denim).  Just imagine the impact you’ll have when you turn up at Patara beach for a spot of horse riding or kayaking in a pair of these!

I’m stil researching the latest in fins for your snorkelling and scuba-diving experience; available in Kalkan: harbourside with the Dolphin Scuba team and also at the Kalamar Beach Club with the Kalkan Dive Centre.   But I think it’s safe to say that high heels will play no part in this.   Instead you will just have to dive into the crystal clear Kalkan waters and do a little fish watching.  Give your feet a break!

Step into whatever shoes you choose for your Kalkan holiday and let them take you where you want to go. Your holiday is the chance to make your dreams come true – and Kalkan is an amazing place for that to happen.

In the words of William Yeats:

“I have spread my dreams under your feet
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.”

Just don’t forget the flip flops!