Don’t let them bug you – bite back

Every day, all over the world, a war is raging.
It’s the age-old conflict between man and that common enemy, hell-bent on making our lives a misery – the mosquito.
Our arsenal of weapons has improved over the millennia. Industrial chemicals, sprays, creams, salves, coils, plug-in devices, a well aimed slap with a flip-flop… all go some way towards letting us win the occasional battle but, as it stands, the mozzie is still ahead as far as the war is concerned.
And while Kalkan mosquitoes aren’t the type to pass on horrendous diseases like their brethren in other parts of the world, they are (ably assisted by their allies in the axis of evil, the olive flies) a damn nuisance.
The thwack of a flip-flip or a newspaper against a wall is part of the holiday soundtrack as another victim tries (usually in vain) to locate the source of the high-pitched whine that signals an imminent attack.
The bloody splatters across the walls bear testament to past skirmishes won and lost.
And while some people seem immune to their strategies, some of us are singled out for assault after assault.
All I have to do is step off a plane and nasty biting things for miles around start sniffing the air and licking their lips at the thought of tender white meat.
“That’s odd,” locals will say as they sympathise with my red, itchy bites. “We don’t usually get mosquitoes at this time of year.”
So it seems even hibernating insects will wake from their slumbers and brave hostile conditions to seek me out.
Well, no more. I fight back.
Where some supermarkets make a promotional display of, say, barbecue products or Christmas goodies, the ones in Kalkan promote insect repellent.
And while most hotels offer complimentary shower gel and shampoo, many around these parts also throw in a can of Sinkov.
But before you rush to town and scoop up every can, bottle and spray you can lay your hands on, let me share my own personal battle plan.
I have no idea of the science behind it – and I certainly make no medical claims about it – but, touch wood, it seems to work for me and several others who have refined the strategy over the years.
First, two weeks before take-off I start taking anti-histamine tablets every day, and continue throughout the holiday.
This doesn’t stop the blighters biting but it does mean the bites don’t become all red and itchy. (That’s the really cunning thing about mosquitoes – they set you against yourself as it’s your own defence mechanisms that cause most of your problems.)
Once there, I burn citronella candles on the balcony in the evenings and plug in one of those liquid diffusers in the bedroom.
I always take Head and Shoulders shampoo as well, as that keeps both mozzies and those little black olive flies out of your hair – literally.
You can buy a whole array of repellents but, in my book, nothing works better than Avon Skin So Soft. This is amazing stuff (and no, I’m not on commission).
It stops squeaky hinges, removes chewing gum from clothes and carpets, cleans paint brushes, gets tar off your car’s bodywork AND keeps biting insects away.
It also keeps your skin lovely and soft, all for under £3.
It doesn’t smell too bad, either – unlike the real secret weapon. Marmite.
The world is split into lovers and loathers of this savoury spread – and mosquitoes are firmly in the loathe camp.
Pay attention – here comes the science bit… When you eat Marmite, it exudes from your pores as you sweat, so you give off the aroma.
Mosquitoes don’t like it so they give you a wide berth and home in on one of their fellow Marmite haters.
My problem with this is that the Other Half loves Marmite and I can’t stand it . . . so while he rarely gets bitten, I become the only option on the menu if one of the enemy gets through the defences and into the trench.
I suppose, if all else fails, I could cover myself with it at bedtime. It would make for a tricky conversation with the apartment cleaners, but it might take the attention off the blood-splattered walls.